Greased Lightning

Have you ever noticed that most parents seem to hope their children will be gifted, talented, bright sparks? They mistake unexpected spikes in performance with genius as if having a savant in the family will bring reflected glory. It’s one thing to be proud of your kids, but quite another to expect, desire, NO, need to achieve things through your kids. In any case, it seems to me that those with exceptional ability at one thing always lack profoundly in other ways. What parents should really wish for is children who are reasonably good at many things: i.e. balanced, well adjusted, all-rounders.

Mind you, I can talk. I do enjoy recounting the story of how our second child had already set a record as a newborn baby. And it had nothing to do with his weight. Nor did he make his mother suffer for days with a protracted labour. In fact, it was the complete opposite. My wife’s contractions developed very quickly, so we decided it would be best to get her in the car and drive to hospital. Of course, every single traffic light and pedestrian crossing turned red as we made our way. My wife was facing backwards in her seat and panting away as if trying the blow the car a little faster. I can even recall seeing, in the rear-view mirror, a woman in the car behind sympathetically helping her with her breathing.

Having arrived at the entrance to the hospital, I leapt from the car and summoned a nurse, who ran out with a wheelchair. As my wife was wheeled off to maternity I had to go and park the car properly. By the time I walked into the birthing room she was sitting up in bed with our new son in her arms. On the hospital report it genuinely says ‘Delivery time: 1 minute’. That’s my boy!

By Gerard Cheshire