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11 things not say to your partner while she’s breastfeeding

Here’s the latest treat from dad and comedian Ryk Goddard (who brought us “Sneaking Off To My Shed”) – his take on what NOT to say when your partner is breastfeeding. Another milestone in dad humor – laugh or weep … it’s a must read.

1. That bra’s got more strapping than a 35 year old prop’s knee!
Don’t remind her that underwear which used to make her breasts look and feel like luxury confectionery now resembles a suspension bridge. Don’t mention rugby. Or sport. Go do some hoovering.

2. Come on Daisy, I’ve sterilized the pump … its milking time
Bovine reference? Bad mooooove. She may laugh. But only because her brain’s working so slow she hears the sound of a joke without actually processing the words.

3. Oh god is that cheese under your boobs!! I don’t think a wine exists that would go well with that. Oh maybe that new Pinot actually …
While cloaked in the mystery of motherhood, breastfeeding is an organic process. Like all nature, its beautiful conceptually but in practice may be a bit gross. Focus on the conceptual.

4. Surely you just pop the nipple in and away she goes? That’s all my sister ever did with her kids.
Breastfeeding can be really hard. Or really easy. But never compare your partner unfavorably with another woman. She will have done it herself already and doesn’t need to be reminded.

5. You look like a porn star! Not that I know what that looks like … at all.
The skinny waist and big boobs is so she can feed a baby, have no energy for sex and talk incessantly about mastitis but still keep you keen. Fair? No. Smart evolution? You Bet.

6. Can you squirt out a cup for me? I think I’ve got a cold coming on.
Yes breast milk has amazing healing powers … for babies! Anyway you’re not allowed to have colds anymore. Because she has stretchmarks and sore nipples and sleeplessness. You can never match it.

7. Maybe you could unblock that duct if I sucked it?
You may still kiss, caress and fondle. Even knead. But avoid the ‘S’ word. She already has one baby to look after. Don’t confuse the roles.

8. While you’re not doing anything do you want to talk about the investment portfolio?
Breastfeeding is work. It may involve sitting in a chair gazing into space with hormones stimulating the brain like during a Bungy jump. But so does working as an advertising executive. And they get paid really well.

9. You never got them out that often for me.
Now’s the time to get good at sharing. Cos once your baby is a toddler you’ll have to teach them how to do it with their own toys.

10. After my aunt finished breastfeeding she had to roll her boobs up into her bra.
Your partner knew her breasts. She knew exactly how many buttons to undo to feel classy, sexy or slutty. But now they are changing. So forget the future. If she’s earthy she’ll embrace the droop as part of the process. If she’s a sex in the city girl she’s already calculated the cost of new breasts. Either way it’s her call.

11. Wean that bugger, I want my titties back!
Say goodbye to the boobies. You’re a Dad now. You don’t get titties no more – you get breasts. If you’re good. Don’t push for weaning or she’ll hold out so long she’ll still be feeding when the kid can discuss milk consistency with her. If it’s taking way too long then have another kid. It’ll be ages before you get anywhere near her breasts, but you’ll be so exhausted you really wont even notice.

By Ryk Goddard

Ryk Goddard is a father of two and is an expat based in Hobart. He works as radio presenter for ABC Radio, writer, comedian and actor. He created “sneaking off to my shed” and blogdaddy.

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