Dear New Zealand DIYFather-to-be

This letter is written specifically to you so you can grow into the father you want to be. You don’t want to wait until your newborn is in your arms to start to develop fathering skills and if you think they will spontaneously erupt out of you like Christmas lights you’re wrong. BTW … mothering skills don’t automatically turn on either.

So this letter is written to encourage you to use pregnancy:

• As your time for ‘becoming’ a dad (grow some great fatherhood skills during the 5 Phases of pregnancy)
• To help your pregnant partner prepare her body to let a very big object out (no, not a watermelon but a big grapefruit).
• To learn your birth coaching/support skills so that you can also effectively work with your baby’s efforts to be born in whatever birth you have even if its not the birth you wanted.

Are you a political animal?

As we all know New Zealand is a unique country in many ways not only because there’s MMP. Besides Number #8 wire, The All Blacks and The Bee Hive, New Zealand is the only country in the world that has a Midwifery led maternity system.

Like most men you are probably couldn’t give a hoot about the politics of childbirth. Frankly it’s boring. However, you’re about to have a baby so both the wonderful aspects of our NZ midwifery centered maternity system and some unintended negative consequences of this system will impact you, your baby and its mother and the experience you have. Even if your baby or partner needs obstetrical care, your midwife or GP will continue with you.

For this short period of your life:

• You need to learn a whole new language about pregnancy and childbirth.
• Figure out what you want and what will happen within this system.
• And determine the best way for you to act, behave, manage, cope and deal with this unique period as a man, partner and father-to-be.

If birth politics really bores you to death then skip over the benefits and cut to the chase. Read the negative aspects because these impact all expectant fathers and you probably don’t know it!

Clap Your Hands

… Yeh, Yeh, Yeh a Midwifery Led Maternity Care

• What a privilege that you and your pregnant partner will have the same midwife (or GP) during pregnancy, for the birth of your baby and attend you during the early weeks after your baby is born. Be very grateful. Also remember to thank your midwife for working so hard over the years to achieve a continuity of care midwifery model … this is a worldwide success.
• What a privilege to have our New Zealand Government pay for maternity costs! Wow.
• What a privilege to be able to make choices by creating your unique Birth Plans.
• What a privilege to have New Zealand society view childbirth as a normal and natural part of a woman’s life instead of a disease.

New Zealand rocks for sure. Yet there are some gaps and unintended negative aspects of the current maternity model. These don’t take away what’s good. At the same time don’t stick your head in the sand or you might find yourself confused, uncertain and coming away from this pregnancy/birth experience feeling less good about yourself than you should.

These negative aspects are:

• The New Zealand midwifery model is based on a ‘Partnership between midwives and women’ but not between midwives and couples or families. So where are you in this? READ MORE
• Under the midwifery model of care the Caesarean rate has more than doubled along with medical interventions and medical pain relief. What does this mean? LEARN MORE
• The Midwifery model stresses ‘natural’ birth as somehow better than medical births rather than seeing all births as equal. If you have a medical birth, what does that mean? INVESTIGATE
• Pregnant women often believe their midwife will teach them how-to birth and be their primary birth coach yet midwives see their role differently. Is this actually what your midwife is offering? UNDERSTAND
• Expectant fathers are given the ambiguous role of ‘supporting’ their partner rather than being an equal participant. Aren’t you worth more? EXPLORE No clear set of birth and coaching skills is expected of families-to-be. In a country that is SO skillful why is childbirth left out? AWAKEN
The end result of these gaps shows the lack of clear understanding about the responsibility expectant parents must take during pregnancy and throughout the birthing process. If this author has anything to do with changing how YOU approach your pregnancy and the birth of your child … you will know exactly what to do so when your newborn is in your arms you will feel good about yourself and ready to ‘be’ a father.

There is only one conclusion to pregnancy

There are two unchangeable Truths about pregnancy and birth:

• Once a woman falls pregnant, 100% will give birth within that year.
• The woman and the baby are always doing the birth together and the process is an activity for both of them.

These two Truths reoccur worldwide in every culture no matter what is happening to or around the woman.

Men are a ‘factor’ in this if only because they impregnated the woman and will be a father. While in some cultures, pregnancy and childbirth are ‘women’s business’ that is not true in New Zealand. What type of ‘factor’ do you want to be? In other words, everyone knows the woman’s role but what is yours in a culture where you are expected to ‘be there’ and ‘do something’?

At the moment you, as an expectant father, have a vague and undefined role as ‘the woman’s support’. That phrase does not do justice to your importance as a partner and father. You put the baby in there. You’re going to be this child’s father whether you remain in a relationship with the mother or not. You need the skills to take your rightful and equally important role in the birth of your child as does the mother.

Pregnancy is the time of ‘becoming’

During pregnancy all expectant fathers need to:

• Grow some very specific fathering qualities during the 5 phases of pregnancy as you move through the state of ‘becoming’ a father.

Also during pregnancy, you have to:

• Help your pregnant partner prepare her pregnant body to let out a very big object (your baby) even when she is experiencing the natural occurring PAIN associated with labour contractions. (Once you understand why childbirth pain is not a problem then you will work with it rather than be afraid of it).
• Learn coaching skills to effectively and successfully help your pregnant partner and your baby to do this activity of separating themselves during the Birth. Of course, your partner needs to learn complementary birthing skills as well.

Birth is The Gateway:

Birth is a magical and mystical, profound and infrequent Life changing experience for both you and your baby’s mother. With the right skills you and your baby’s mother must work with your baby’s efforts to be born no matter what factors … including a non-labouring Caesarean delivery.

As soon as your baby is born you will instantly move from ‘becoming’ a father to ‘being’ one.

Now you join a special group

So dear New Zealand DIYfather-to-be let’s work together to make certain you know how-to fill your role with appropriate skills. Become a great DIYFather just because you are pregnant now, will be a father soon and you are so very important.

To learn how to grow your fatherhood qualities during pregnancy visit expectantfathers.blogspot.com. For the essential pregnancy and birth skills for both expectant parents go to www.birthingbetter.com and get The Pink Kit Package. The author of this article is Wintergreen, a Trustee to the New Zealand registered charitable Trust, Common Knowledge, that produces The Pink Kit Method For Birthing Better®.