I had a Revelation just a week or so ago. And when I tell you what it is, it’ll seem obvious – but often the most elusive things are.

Wait – let me start from the beginning. I recently had the chance to speak with Steve Biddulph, author of the best-selling book ‘Raising Boys’. He is an engaging man with plenty to say to Dads’ and no issue with any and all pronunciations of his surname. The very basic philosophy outlined in his book and when he speaks is this:

Between birth and six years boys belong to Mum most of all. That is not to diminish the role Dad plays – but Mum is the first port of call and the role model they look to. Then from six to fourteen years they switch and become much more interested in Dad. Again – Mum’s role during these years is no less than Dad’s – but parents will notice that suddenly boys become much more interested in Dad.

And so to the Revelation. Our 1 year-old son occasionally cries at night. Teething or nightmares or who knows what being the reason, he can become very upset at any hour. At these times the only person who can calm him is Mum. In fact, if I even show my face it leads to louder crying and I have to beat a hasty retreat!

My reaction to this has ranged from disappointment to frustration to shrugging my shoulders and going back to bed. If I can’t help him then what good is it staying up? If you’ve ever read any books on the male brain you’ll know that we need to fix things. We like to solve problems, not stand helplessly by.

I’m not sure why, but the conversation with Mr. Biddulph helped me understand something very important. Remember that bit a couple of sentences back when I said, “If I can’t help him …”? The thing about it is – I’m not supposed to help him. I’m supposed to help her. Mum, that is.

That’s it. Easy and obvious though it might be. I get it now – and it really helps. Suddenly I have a job too; a way to be a part of the solution instead of exacerbating the problem. My job is to be nice to Mum, get her a cup of tea and a slice of banana cake if she wants one, ask if there’s anything she needs, or just give her a kiss when it’s all over and tell her how great she did. It seems like a very small task, but it has made a massive difference.

That’s the recipe for beating the late-night crying blues. The recipe for the banana cake is here at www.blokeswhobake.co.nz ... good luck.

-Steve Joll

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