Category Archives: Relationship

Countdown to (US) Fathers Day – 3

Nice effort by LEGO for Father’s Day this year – Darth Vader leaving the dark side behind to spend a day with Luke. Let’s all do that! icon smile Countdown to (US) Fathers Day   3

By DIYFather

Show Affection and Appreciation

One of the greatest thing you can do for your kids is to make them feel loved and appreciated. Here’s a list of ideas (adapted with kind permission from Mark at allprodad.com)
Unconditional love
Your son’s room is a complete mess. Your daughter just got her 3rd speeding ticket and she is still 16. One brought home a poor grade in science. One snuck out of the house and didn’t get home until 2 am. Safe to say, all these things are going to make for interesting parenting. Through it all, never let your child feel as if your love for them has limits. These are the moments you let it shine the brightest. Unconditional love is the greatest gift in life.

Quantity time – not quality time
Time slips away so fast doesn’t it? One minute you are teaching your daughter to ride a bike. The next minute she’s backing down the driveway in your car. Were you there enough for all the time in between? Your child wants your attention more than any other thing you can provide them. Make it a top priority to spend as much time with your children as you can.

Tough Love
Don’t shy away from the crucial moments. The hard times. The big decisions. This is when your love is tested the most. A parent has to do the right thing. The responsible thing. Not the popular thing. The love you show now will be reflected back when they are adults. You’ll be rocking your grandchild in your arms one day and your son will tap you on the shoulder and simply say “thank you Dad.

Affection
Hard to believe, but some men have a real hard time with this one. Some dads just aren’t keen on hugging and kissing. We are raised to be tough and strong. That’s a good thing. However, your child needs your affection in the most vital of ways. Frequent demonstration of genuine affection provides children with a sense of security and harmony. And of course you could probably use a big ol’ hug yourself anyway. So knock down those walls and extend those big arms. You’ll be addicted in no time.

Special Occasion
Always celebrate the big moments in their lives. Birthdays. Recitals. First day of school. Graduation. Everything. Make a big deal out of each and every one. These are the days they feel special. The moments that honor life. Who do they want to notice more than anybody else? Dad.

Believe In Them
This is a hard one. We want to shelter them. Protect them from any and all harm at all times. However this will not do any good in the real world. They have to learn to stand on their own two feet. Teach them well. Give them the skills and values that are required for success. Then let them fly. Trust them. Believe in your child. It will mean the world to them. Also – and especially believe in them if they show interest or a liking in something that you don’t like. That’s when it really counts to support them anyway – if you hate ballet and your daughter wants to be a ballerina – be her biggest fan!

 

Inspired by AllProDad

Soft on discipline = hard on family

discipline Soft on discipline = hard on familyIt’s been a long, hard day at work. You want to come home and just relax and have fun with your kids. You don’t want to deal with discipline. But Mom has had the children for most of the day and she’s tired of the fighting and bickering. So she starts to discipline and wants you to help. This is not your idea of unwinding.

So what do you do? Support her. Absolutely. Children need a unified front from parents, and when Dad is viewed as the Softie, it makes Mom look like the Bad Guy and makes her job so much more difficult. And marital tension increases dramatically. If you have an issue with the way Mom is disciplining, wait to talk to her about it after the children go to bed. Short term, backing up your wife will be extra work. But long term it will be well worth it as your children will be unable to pit Mom and Dad against each other. The softer you are on discipline now, the harder it will be for your family.

By AllProDad

 

Seven Steps to Baby Bliss

I have just watched a must see for all expecting and new fathers.

sevensteps Seven Steps to Baby Bliss“Seven Steps to Baby Bliss” from www.dadstheword.com is not only very practical for expectant and new fathers it is also pretty funny too.

I felt it was totally aimed at fathers as the target audience, but I also believe it would have great benefit watching this DVD with your partner.

The role of the dad is highlighted says the back cover, and I completely agree.

In 28 minutes the “Seven Steps to Baby Bliss” DVD shows you how to:

  • Settle a crying baby
  • Bathing a baby
  • Step by step guide and tips on nappy changing for both baby girls and baby boys
  • Feeding a baby
  • Baby massage
  • Dressing your baby
  • And SIDS prevention
  • Relationship after baby

Description from dadstheword:

In this humorous guide for New Dads and Moms – a male midwife guides a new Dad through the seven steps of caring for his newborn baby – making it fun and easy – so that those first weeks home are as stress free as possible !! “As a Midwife, I have always been passionate about newborn babies, knowing that what happens to them as babies, influences how they turn out later. I dedicated my life to them, hoping to make a difference in their lives, but I could only nurse so many … and mostly, I only had them for such a short time.  So … I became passionate about Mothers and babies, because the Mom was going to be the one doing most of the caring, so I needed to help the Mom, so that the baby would have the best possible outcome. And for years, I wanted to make a fun educational video for new parents, so that parents could start out right, and if you get a good start and good foundation, the baby has a better chance. It took me 4 years to make the video, and I decided to focus on the Dad. The research was overwhelming about how the father will affect the long term outcome of his child……so I became passionate about the Dad … and the Mom … and the baby!!”

- Ros Vroom

This DVD really is like having a mid-wife around when you need them most. Thank you to Ros for producing a such a great tool to empower men to become competent fathers.

- Eric

 

The effects of Abortion on men

Resources for men coming to terms with a recent abortion:

  • There’s a Milwaukee-based National Office of Post-Abortion Reconciliation and Healing and sponsored by the Knights of Columbus and the Archdiocese of San Francisco
  • Papers / research
    • “Men and Abortion: A Review of the Research”
    • “Trauma and Abortion”
    • “Sociology of Fatherhood and Abortion”
    • “Medicating the Pain of Lost Fatherhood”
    • “Looking for Their Pain In all the Wrong Places”
    • “Forgiveness Therapy with Post- Abortion Men.”
    • Dr Vincent Rue – “Post abortion Syndrome,” or “Post-abortion Trauma” (published in 1984 on the impact of abortion on men)

There is a great deal of evidence that women suffer from the aftermath of abortion, but post-abortion syndrome is not as well documented in men, who may suffer even more anger and grief because they aren’t given a choice in what happens to their child.

DIYFather.com

Assistance for divorcing dads

“Divorced Man” is a genuine up-to-date website and blog that supports divorced fathers in their parenting. The site includes personal stories, tips, ideas how to manage child support, how to survive family court, examples of submissions to court and many other DIY divorced father articles.

With statistics of more than 30% marriages ending in divorce, millions of fathers have a new challenge: how do you continue your passion and good parenting while going through the divorce process and beyond. Divorced dads might find the system hard to handle which ultimately affects their parenting and relationship with the kids. Children are highly influenced by the divorce process which results in new challenges for dads – new questions, new demands, and new ways of behaviour. After the divorce, the family has a different structure and it takes time for dads and kids to adjust.

Here are some practical tips for divorcing dads:

1. Never give-up parenting: your kids will always be your kids and not only the mother’s kids. Even though it may be harder for a man to be a sole parent, never abandon your kids or leave them to the full custody of your Ex wife. Children need their father as the male figure in their life, and even if it is hard or they ask to live with their mum – work hard to be a father – for their future well being and healthy development.

2. Your ex is your ex – and nothing more: Don’t try to make your ex “the enemy” or your best friend for that matter. Move on with your life and take care of yourself and your kids – your Ex is just your Ex and will take care of her own life.

3. Don’t overcompensate for the divorce by trying to be “a friend” to your kids: your children have friends and they don’t need another friend, they need a father. Children need a role model, values and confidence. You provide that as a dad. E.g. set your own values and “walk the talk” – demonstrate how you live these values every day. Pass on skills and hobbies – do your own things and let your kids join in so they can learn from you.

- A divorced dad

Dads and relationships – keeping the romance alive

It’s a sad fact, but without a little TLC, relationships can go stale. After all, there’s nothing particularly romantic about negotiating which one of you takes the kids to school or worrying about how you’re going to pay your bills. Finding love is easy – holding on to it is the hard part, eh? Having a (newborn) baby can make it even harder to find time to keep your relationship in tact. So here are three simple tips on what you can do (and really, don’t just dismiss these as nice ideas … you might regret not taking action when you had a chance to do it):

1. Take a mini holiday from the baby and go out
Find a way to have someone you trust look after your baby for a few hours and spend smoe time together (ideally out of the house). Most important rule: do NOT talk about the baby or anything related to the baby. Where you go doesn’t actually matter – it doesn’t need to be an expensive or extravagant night out. Just somewhere you both enjoy to take your mind off things for a few hours.

2. Surprise the Mrs
While it might feel like a cheesy or outdated tip to take home a little gift for your partner, it doesn’t hurt to surprise your loved one every now and then. It’s unlikely that your partner will get upset over a gift (OK, maybe a porn DVD to watch together might be tricky) but let’s face it a nice little bouquet of flowers hasn’t offended anyone yet. In fact I’m pretty sure that a bunch of flowers has saved my bacon on more than one occasion!

3. Listen
Yes, it’s hard … and yes, it may not be relevant and there may be other things you’d rather do. But it is important. Don’t underestimate the importance of taking an interest in your other half’s life. Especially just listening is the key – no need to offer solutions or come up with some life-saving advice. Just genuine listening and paying attention is a great way to demonstrate some TLC in action.

So get active and keep it together!

By Andy Gilfillan

 

 

Dads and separation – my ex-partner’s new partner

separated dads Dads and separation   my ex partners new partnerIt can be hard enough just seeing your ex with a new partner, before even thinking about what this means for your kids. It’s natural to feel suspicious about the “new guy” but you also have to somehow be reasonable as you may have a new partner too (at some point). Trust works both ways.

Your ex partner will decide if her new man is suitable as far as your child’s safety is concerned, but you can find out more about this man too. Spend some time with him if possible, and you never know – the guy might actually turn out to be okay!

Keeping communications open with your ex about her new man is always likely to help the situation. Over time you may eventually trust your ex’s new partner with your kids and, as a result, the whole family is better off – especially your kids.

However, if you are concerned about your ex’s new partner then remember that the first step should always be talking to your ex. Explain that you just care for your kids and discuss with her what she/you can do to address your concerns.

Key take aways:

  1. If you have concern about your ex’s new man then talk to your ex before you do anything else.

  2. Bear in mind that moving on to new partners will probably happen to both of you sooner or later. So avoid extreme measures as a result of your natural suspicion – you may be in the same boat with your new partner at some point.

Important links and more information:

Dads and Separation – my ex partner wants to take my children out of the country

separated dads Dads and Separation   my ex partner wants to take my children out of the countryYour ex partner is allowed to take your kids out of the country for up to a month without asking your permission (and so are you). If you are worried that she’s thinking of something more permanent, and perhaps breaching a parenting order, then there are things you can do about it.

You can ask the High Court, Family Court or District Court for an Order Preventing Removal, even if you have only just applied for a parenting order. Courts can ask Police or social workers to place children with a suitable person until the Court can deal with the case. Apply to the Court quickly, as when children leave New Zealand they become subject to either the foreign country’s laws, or international laws, or both.

An urgent application to the Court can sometimes take a few hours. Courts can order passports and travel tickets to be handed over to them. You can even apply without informing your ex partner. In non-urgent cases, your ex would be given a copy of your court application before an order is made. Your ex partner would then have time to tell a Judge why she might not want an Order made.

If the Court issues a warrant, it can state a child not to be removed from NZ, either for a limited time or until the Court makes another Order.

When Orders go through, neither of the parents is allowed to take the children abroad, and if you try it’s a criminal offence. If a parent tries to take children abroad in the middle of getting a court order, it’s also an offence. If you are convicted, or try to stop Police Officers or social workers from taking kids, you can face up to three months in jail and fines of up to $2,500.

If your children are already in another country there are still things you can do. Under an international law called the Hague Convention, you may be able to ask that country’s help to return your children to NZ. This law states that children are of primary concern and that custody of the child should be determined where the child usually lives.

You may be entitled to legal aid too. The Government can help with lawyer’s costs, but sometimes you may have to pay this back.

Key take aways:

  1. If you are worried your kids might be taken abroad permanently, then get to Court quickly and ask for help.

  2. Remember that once an Order is placed kids cannot travel abroad with a parent – that applies to both parents.

Important links and more information:

Dads and separation – police safety orders

separated dads Dads and separation   police safety ordersIf things get out of hand and the police get involved, it is likely that a Police Safety Order (PSO) will be issued. This happens in circumstances where the Police have reasonable grounds to believe that family violence has occurred or may occur. An order usually lasts for 2 days, but in some cases can last up to 5 days.

IMPORTANT: If you find yourself in this situation you need to CALM DOWN and leave the situation. Having a PSO issued is a very serious situation and you need to be careful not to make things worse for yourself – so keep calm, walk away, and deal with whatever happened in a rational way.

Whether or not you will ever be in this situation, it’s helpful to understand why PSOs exist in the first place. The purpose of a PSO is to protect people at risk from violence, harassment or intimidation. The order stays in force until the expiry time listed on the order (i.e. 2-5 days). The Police do not need the consent of the person at risk to issue the order.

When a PSO is made, the person bound by the order must leave the address while the PSO is in force, even if they normally live there or own the place.

The person bound by the order:
1) must not assault, threaten, intimidate or harass the person at risk or encourage anyone else to do the same.
2) must not follow, stop or contact in any way the person at risk in any place such as home, work, or place the person at risk.
3) must surrender any firearms and their firearms license to the Police for the period of the PSO.

The Police may detain the bound person for up to two hours to issue and serve the PSO. There is no right of appeal. No criminal convictions result from the issue of a PSO.

The PSO also protects any children living with the person at risk and any conditions of parenting orders or agreements permitting contact or care of the children by the person bound by the PSO are suspended while the PSO is in effect.

If the bound person does anything that is not permitted by the PSO, the Police can take the person into custody and put them before the Court. The Court may issue a warrant to arrest the bound person and, if required, bring them before the Court. The Court is capable of releasing the bound person without any further order, direct the Police to issue another PSO, or issue a Temporary Protection Order (if the person at risk does not object). The Court does not need an application from anyone to issue a Temporary Protection Order.

Other offences, such as assaults or property damage will be investigated separately and charges will be laid where sufficient evidence exists.

Key take aways:

  1. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re issued a PSO – calm down and immediately walk away from the situation.

  2. Make sure you understand the conditions and implications of a PSO – if you have any questions contact the Police or your lawyer.

  3. Remember your children’s wellbeing is your responsibility and it is important that your children feel safe and secure. Avoid any situation where your children are at risk.

Important links and more information about police safety orders: