Dads and separation - how to tell your children that you are separating

You have decided to break up and now you have to tell your kids. How can you tell them the news?

Preparation is the key. If you can somehow tell the kids together with your partner it might make it easier for them. Doing it this way sends a strong message of “we are still your parents” to your kids, even if you are not a couple any more. Whatever you decide on how to tell your children, think about what you are going to say beforehand. This is not one of those times to “wing it” and a bit of prep might help with nerves too!

After you tell them, your kids might be anxious, wondering what will happen to them. So try to remain calm as much as possible as it will help your kids to feel calm too. Use positive words whenever possible – i.e. talk to them about the details of the changes ahead, like where you are all going to live and what arrangements will be in place.

There are a few key messages for your kids that will be useful to repeat frequently – these are:
* Telling your kids that you both still love them and always will
* Ensuring them that the separation is not your kids’ fault
* Letting your kids know that you will do whatever you can to be there for them as a dad

It’s also useful to avoid making any promises at this stage that may be difficult to keep. Also avoid pushing your kids to “choose” their favourite parent or to take sides – this will not help with making separation easier in any way and is likely to make your children feel guilty or sad.

When you are alone with your children they may want to talk about what’s happening, and you should encourage this. They might be worried and even ask the same question over and over again. Try to understand how difficult this situation is for them and be extra patient with your children.

Try to explain things in a language that is appropriate for the age of your children – you may not be able to talk about all the details of your separation. Some things are best kept for adult conversations but keep it open and honest – there is no need to tell lies to protect your children from the truth. It’s a matter of finding the right words.

Supporting your kids through separation is very important and the effort you make to explain things to your children will make a real difference to how they cope with the changes ahead.

Tips and key take aways:

1. Before you tell the kids, think about what you want to say.


2. Be understanding of your children’s reaction when you tell them you are separating. Give them time to understand and make time with them so they get a chance to share their feelings about it.


3. Reassure your kids. Let them know the separation is not their fault and that you love them, no matter what happens.

Important links and more information about separation:

• Family Break-Up - information from the Skylight Trust


• Helping a Child to Cope with Separation – from infants to teenagers


• Parenting through separation DOC (US)