It's an instant world: instant coffee, instant meals, instant communication, instant gratification on any level - and now, boyfriends becoming instant fathers. The family structure has taken a beating in the last 50 years (close to over 50% of marriages fail), and more and more women and men find themselves navigating their love life through a minefield of emotional baggage and upheaval, dragging their children through the debris.

Historically, and especially - prehistorically - men were not highly concerned about their offspring until those children were capable of doing something that would contribute to survival. I know. I sound like a Neanderthal. Well, I was one once, according to my DNA.
Men are not compelled naturally to connect quickly with someone else’s children in that aren't-we-just-a-great-hybrid-well-adjusted-Dr. Phil's family way (for lack of a better description). It is natural, however, for men to connect intimately and very quickly with women they have known for 10 minutes and a drink.

Women, who are well advanced in the skill of managing relationships, adapt much more quickly to new relationships. This doesn’t mean that men can’t. But read my lips - men, in their single-minded, task-oriented approach to life, focus on one thing at a time. It starts with their love-mates. Children take a lot more work and time.
According to child psychologists and family therapists, it takes years (at least 3) for a new adult coming into a pre-existing family structure to develop a relationship with a child who is not theirs. It's a 2-way street. Young children, although highly adaptable, also need time to make the connection.

A boyfriend may already be a father to children he has brought into the world. Regardless, a boyfriend is not a father to a child he barely knows. What he can be or what he can become is a friend and a role model, and, perhaps, one day, something more.
Does a boyfriend want to be a father? Perhaps the question should be, how does he connect with children? Even natural fathers are useless if they can't handle relationships with children.

Why would anyone ask or expect an adult to assume a title or role without understanding their capability to develop a relationship - especially with children? At the risk of sounding chauvinistic, sex makes it easy for a man and woman to connect and establish what they think is a relationship. It doesn’t say anything about either person’s capability to conduct relationships with children.

Through awareness comes understanding. Through understanding comes friendship. Through friendship comes trust. Through trust comes love. Through love comes a bond. Perhaps, one day, without expecting it, a man may become something to a child every father should be.
Does a boyfriend want to be a father? Only the children will ever know the answer. Though, one day, they may reach out to him eagerly, they may never call him 'father', but who he has become calls out to every father out there.

By Michael Kryton
Copyright Michael Kryton 2006

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