By Jules Adams and Mark Penhall

Witnessing the strength and tenacity of couples as they adjust to their new baby who has a disability, brings hope and sustenance to my work as a social worker. It has been my experience that often father’s feel pressured to return to work, and very often experience the grieving process differently to their partner.

A father recently told me "it’s like any other emotional response where men internalise it, while women tend to express verbally and more openly. It has been important for me, as our child will not be with us for much longer, to just enjoy her every day. At a personal level, the usual male caves of drinking and watching sport in small groups are tremendously therapeutic. For me, the close support of my wife (probably world champion mum!) family and friends has been invaluable. However, ultimately your own self belief gets you through difficult times, and especially when you realise that life will go on and that there are other people who rely on you for their basic needs."

I am hoping this site may offer opportunities for men to tell their respective stories, and to generate meaningful outcomes that will remove some of the isolation many fathers experience. I think sharing useful 'insider' knowledge will enrich the couple relationship, and widen the support network which is very much needed.

-Jules

Mark's story:

What is important as a dad with a child with a disability? When my wife and I first found out about Matthew being a child with Down Syndrome, we, of course, went through all the emotions – and this took a bit of time. However, even before Matthew was born, we knew we wanted this child and no matter what the future is, we will be united and give him the very best.

Our boy is now three years old and what a journey it has been. At first, the not-knowing what it's all about was difficult, especially when people told us that every child is different. This was like not really giving us something to go by. Then with support from the various organisations, primarily the Child Development Service, we began our special journey with our very special boy. We did a lot of talking and listening to others who have gone before and through all that, we were both enriched and were able to form an overall picture.

Most of all, we watched and we decided what was going to support him at every stage of his growing and development. From the onset, I decided to work with my son, and was hands-on with every exercise, every motor skill I can show him, and work with. My wife was the communicator (lots of one on one chats and sing-along), as well as giving Matthew great massages after every bath time.

Every stage of Matthews's development he manages to surprise us all. He was just like any other child and his development only slightly slower than others, which, in the end, did not make our journey any different to others. Soon after two year old, Matthew's been attending pre-school three times a week and we are so happy and blessed to see him interacting with, and enjoying his peers.

What has been important for us is to make positive decisions right from the beginning, to help with Matthew's development. Being a hands-on Dad and giving as much encouragement and praise when it's due. After all the tears and emotional time when we first found out, we have made this main decision – that we will treat Matthew like any other child, concentrating on what is positive and possible at each stage of growth, and we have never looked back. Matthew, in fact, continues to enlarge our perspective on life, and blesses us so much with his amazing persona. Most important, we joy with him!!

-Mark

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