Even before our children were born Al and I had always wanted to be equal as parents. We were lucky that both of us were home for the first few months of our first daughter's life. Even though I was very clear in my mind that I wanted both of us to be involved and equal - and we knew that I would have to go back to work and he would stay home with her - I found I had to bite my tongue when he did things differently from what I thought was the "right" way.

When Anna was first born, I had a lot of trouble feeding so I expressed and Al fed her the middle of the night feeds (it was also World Cup Rugby in France...enough said). To feed her he used to put a pillow on his lap, then lay her on it and held her head and neck in his hand - it all looked very mechanical and I could not understand why he did not cuddle her whilst feeding her. In my heightened hormonal state I thought that he wasn't bonding with her, I imagined all sorts of terrible reasons as to why he wasn't cuddling her while feeding her. So one day I couldn't take it any more and so I asked him, trying very hard not to sound accusing or implying that he was doing it "wrong". His response put my mind at ease and was the first of many times in our parenting careers that I realised that fathers and mothers approach things differently and one is not necessarily right and the other wrong. The reason he held her like that was to ensure her safety. She was small and had a very floppy neck and heavy head, he had big forearms and he needed to feel in control of her while feeding. Holding her neck and head in his hand he could ensure that she received what she needed safely. Very logical, very practical and to my mind very male.

Our children are now nearly nine and nearly seven there have been many times when I had to bite my tongue because I thought my way was the right way. However, allowing fathers to do things their way and to develop their own relationship with their children is so important. Sometimes, as a mother, you have to let go of the reins and let fathers be.

- Lynda Murray

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