Miscarriage - what to say

I recently met with Vonney who runs a website to support mothers who miscarry. We discussed how difficult it can be – especially for guys - to find the right words when you find out someone has miscarried. Since many people are struggling with this Vonney's organisation put together a very helpful page of "do's and don'ts" when dealing with miscarriage. Here's the list of what to say and what not to say:

Seven helpful things to say

• "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.

• "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.

• "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.

• "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.

• "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.

• "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.

• "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Seven things not to say

• "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.

• "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.

• "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.

• "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimise and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.

• "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief too.

• "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.

• "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"

Continue reading about the do's and don'ts of miscarriage. The material in this article was provided courtesy of Miscarriage Support Auckland Inc.

-Stef