Do mums really have this god given skill, natural instict or intuitive wisdom around dealing with babies and kids? Is it true that "mums just know"? Well in my personal experience I'd have to say "no". My partner Raquel (and first time mum) was just as clueless as I (and the baby in fact) when it came round to our first feed. Noah (the baby) didn't know how to latch on, Raquel didn't know how to hold him and I didn't know what I was doing there in the first place.
The overwhelming majority of our shared learning experiences up to now has been just that - a LEARNING experience. None of the players involved "just knew" ... everyone had to learn (scarily this included one of the midwives as well in our case). The way we went about our learning experience was also very different. Raquel read just about every parenting book she could get her hands on while she was pregnant. I mostly talked to other fathers.
When we finally had Noah there was no more time for theoretical knowledge - so I was the one to do the first nappy change ... and the first bath ... and the first one to cry when they wouldn't let us go up to the maternity ward (but that's another story). I'm sure there are lots of other women out there who instantly master all the things you need to do with babies and children. But by keeping up the assumption that "women just know" I think we are actually making things harder for all those women who just don't know.
Talk about setting expectations and the pressure of fulfilling a role. Surely it's difficult enough to pull out your boob in front of relatives, hospital staff and other people who clearly shouldn't be there while the babies is screaming away and you are trying to do your first feed. Someone in the backrow whispering "but she's a woman - she should know" isn't helping either.
Letting go of the whole "women just know" thing would be great for dads as well. It actually prompts dads to get involved and find out rather than trusting that women will always tell them exactly what to do. If there is one thing I have learnt from 16 weeks of looking after a baby it is that trial & error is the only process that works and that results can be totally random. Some things work sometimes then stop working (like all the tricks we came up with to make him go to sleep). Other things work really well for our baby and don't work for other babies (like giving him Fennel tea for wind). So what has really worked for us is to make use of the combined creativity (my partner's and mine) to simply try stuff. I've yet to meet a first time mum that instinctively just knows what to do. Until we find her - I'd like to change "mums just know" to "mum and dad have ideas that might just work ... sometimes ... depending on many things ... maybe".
- Stef
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I agree - and neither mums
I agree - and neither mums nor dads should feel embarrassed about the need to learn. Other people have remarked to my partner and I that our kids never distinguish between their parents when they need comfort - mum or dad are equally useful! It's the willingness to learn how to parent and care that matters I think.
Hey Anna in response to this
Hey Anna in response to this article I've received quite a few emails from women who said they felt "clueless" at one stage or another with babies. So as Brandon suggested let's just relax and give both parents the time to learn.
From my perspective, the
From my perspective, the only thing that women have innately built in with regard to parenting is a keen sense of guilt. I think that fathers can bring a sense of sanity to situations where mothers are plagued by "should's."
I have sympathy for women. It must be hard for others to expect you to be a "natural" at something you have never done.
I wish we could drop all the expectations and conjecture, and just deal with the facts -- parenting is tough, scary, etc., etc. for both parents. There are NO experts -- not even the nosy old women that come up to me when my son and I are out in public with (unhelpful) "suggestions."
I really like the way this
I really like the way this website encourages dads' contributions. With both our kids, my partner and I have learned together and shared the workload every step of the way. When I was having trouble breastfeeding the first, my partner's support was just about the only thing that prevented me from losing my marbles. Good stuff dads - your work is appreciated! :-)
I remember watching a
I remember watching a documentary on whether parenting skills were instinctive, either for women, men, or both.
If memory serves, the women were watching the mens attempts at consoling some rather upset infants and the women found their efforts quite humorous. The interesting thing is that the efforts of the women were no more effective than the efforts of the men, which really highlighted two key points:
1. Neither men nor women naturally "know" what to do, therefore it's all about mucking in for both parents, I guess.
2. Babies, infants, and children are not concerned whether you're male or female, so long as you're there when they need you.
Ah well.. fits in with the general theme of the thread :)
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