The Impregnator’s Diary #2 - 2nd Trimester: Broken nipples and bad names

"Like father, like son." That was my wife’s comment as our 20 week scan revealed the sex of our baby in a rather gratuitous fashion. The guessing game was concluded by the graphic image of our boy’s manhood dangling in between his wide-open legs while both his hands were resting casually behind his head. Yeah, that’s my boy! Now we can finally begin to think of the baby as a little boy rather than an ‘it’, and my mother in law can finally stop knitting an endless supply of pink cardigans.

Everything seems to have been moving quickly over the last few months. We have the nursery furniture installed, the pram on order, and lots of cute little outfits that will probably only be worn once. So much money has been spent, and yet so much more still needs to be spent. But it is great fun making the preparations and getting excited about the future. We’ve also been trying to enjoy the present by going out a bit more than usual and having a fantastic short break in New York.

You may remember that I concluded my previous article by pondering the sexual delights of nipple cream. Well no sooner had I stopped typing than several female friends regaled me with tales of their dry, crusty nipples falling off after failed attempts at breastfeeding. Whilst filling my mind with countless questions (Does all the milk gush out from where the nipple used to be? Do nipples grow back like toenails?) their stories also brought home just how painful and gruesome the whole baby thing can be. And not just for women – I’m still trying to get to grips with the idea that I might have to start doing the ironing very soon.

While we’re talking nipples, I should also tell you that we have now bought our first pack of nipple pads. Apparently they’ll help prevent big wet patches appearing on my wife’s clothing due to leakage. All I really wanted to say was that I expected the whole purchasing experience to be much more erotic than it actually turned out to be. I’m not nearly as excited now about shopping for disposable panties.
As well as the nipple pads we’ve also bought a book of baby names. Naming a child is a bit of a minefield, and we’ve both been trying desperately to avoid names that either a) would cause teasing in the playground (e.g. Randy Gaylord Williamson), b) would clash horribly with our surname (e.g. William Wilson Williamson) or c) we would be too embarrassed to shout out in public (e.g. Maximus Stavros Williamson). There’s still half a book to get through and a maximum of 3 months remaining, so we’ll have to step up the effort.

Through a variety of other books we are discovering some rather interesting titbits of information. For example, our little boy is now able to hear our voices and most of the sounds around us. In fact, the sounds that he hears most often right now actually have the potential to soothe him once he has been born. So when he is crying his little eyes out in the middle of the night, apparently all my wife needs to do is let rip a huge fart and he’ll be calmed right down. Failing that I can always try swearing loudly to remind him of the afternoon I spent putting his blasted cot together.

Despite the gas, at least my wife managed to stop vomiting so frequently and so violently as soon as she entered her 2nd trimester. For the last 3 months she has been full of energy again and really enjoying herself. This has meant that normal service has been resumed in the kitchen and I am being fed like a King. I’ve had roast dinners, gourmet smoothies, chocolate muffins, and even an Easter egg treasure trail. However, she is now beginning to grow at quite a pace and getting less sleep than usual due to the baby moving around. This has me more than a little concerned that the good times are coming to an end, so I’m planning a trip to Marks & Spencer to stock up on ready-made dinners and non-iron shirts. It’s all about being prepared.
By that same token we’re beginning our course of antenatal classes soon. It feels reassuring that we’ll be having some professional advice before being let loose on a real, living, pooping machine. Perhaps I’ll even be able to ask my nipple questions? I’ll report back my findings.

- Craig Alan Williamson

Craig's first novel is now available as a free download from www.CraigAlanWilliamson.com