We just got the following study about mental health issues of separated fathers. Makes for interesting reading if you like academic papers.

Abstract
Mental health disorders are highest among adults who are separated and divorced, with 23% of men in this group reporting a mental illness. Separated men are more likely to commit suicide compared with married men. In Australia, there are over 53,100 divorces per annum, involving almost 50,000 children. To date, little research has been conducted on the mental health of separated men who are fathers.

Aims: Using a pilot qualitative study, parenting and health issues reported by 23 south-east Queensland separated fathers were examined. The pilot study informed the selection of correlates and measurements for the quantitative study. The aims of the subsequent quantitative study of 80 Queensland separated fathers were to examine:

Dealing with divorce around the holidays is extremely difficult. Throughout the first year after separating, there is a great sense of missing something. Holidays and especially celebrating Christmas after the break up of a family can be traumatic and research shows that safe, continued, contact between children and the family members who no longer live with their kids is important for the children's well-being.

Here are some useful tips to help support your children through the holiday season:

• Try hard to put your children's needs first. Christmas is a time for children to enjoy themselves and have fun, not feel torn between their families.


• Planning, involvement and good communication are the key to the success of Christmas. Children will feel happier if they know what is going to happen in advance.


• Constantly reinforce to your children that you love them and that the separation is not their fault.

I am divorcing and my children are with me half of the time (seven out of fourteen days, to be exact). Remaining a parent, under these conditions, makes our telephone conversations like the fruit that gets pressed on the spike to make juice. If I squeeze it hard enough, I will get the sweetest, largest drink. With every question, every detail, I squeeze and twist harder.

So, hearing their stories gives me this tell-able past. It's a past that I cannot have but can at least hear told, so I cling to their stories. I spoke with my children tonight on the telephone, and it reminded me of how each one of them has become a story in his or her own right.

Starting in the middle of a story can lend perspective. At least this is my hope, as emotion is coursing through me as thoughts go to page. As this is being written, I am monitoring flightaware.com, watching an online depiction of the Southwest Airlines 737 (tail # N705SW) that is taking my precious 9-year-old son from Reno to Las Vegas. Flight information indicates that he is now 160 miles from me and about 30 minutes from touching down at McCarran International. His ultimate destination today is San Antonio, TX, where his mom lives, off for his annual month-long visit. Preston lives with me, his old dad, the majority of the time, and I am fortunate beyond words that this is the reality of the situation.

Hi, I’m Tim Sisarich and I was at a wedding recently … it was beautiful … a stunning bride, rose-pettled aisle, the groom beaming as if his bride was the only person in the universe.

… and then there were the vows. They echoed the vicar …I promise to stand beside you, to stay with you … … in sickness & in health, for richer, for poorer, in the good times and the bad … I DO!

As they said their vows, I was struck by the gamble they were taking … a 50/50 chance they’d make it to their 12th wedding anniversary… a 50/50 chance that 5 years from now, that groom, would be echoing the same words to Sarah from marketing
I could almost picture him standing in the doorway, suitcase in hand… His daughter stands there clutching her mummy’s hand … what was she thinking… is she too young to understand –… she will someday… won’t she?

I came across this article which is a reality for a lot of fathers who don't have access to their children. Access is an issue for many fathers including celebrity dads like Sir Bob Geldof. It's particularly relevant at this time of year when absence is felt a lot more. The article is a good reminder of the important of the relationship between father and child, but also father and mother.

- Scott

Families across Britain are spending quality time over the holidays, except for the many fathers who aren’t, because the courts or their former partners won’t allow them access to their children.

In the vast majority of cases here, mothers receive residence, regardless of how involved the father was the children’s lives before the parents separated.

To me being a father is one of the greatest privileges I have experienced in my life. I have two daughters one aged 20 and the other aged 10 from two different marriages. Having spent many Christmases with both my daughters my wife and my ex wife has demonstrated to me that even though a marriage may finish it is possible to still create a partnership with an ex when you are committed to making it work.

I have often reflected on what is the key to being a great father and I am not saying I have the answer, I still make many mistakes and I am clear that in relationship to my eldest daughter when I stopped being the authority in her life and started being a friend is when my relationship transformed. In other words I stopped being the boss and started getting along side her and getting in to her world and opening up to possible solutions verses telling her what to do. It works.

Sometimes work results in fathers being away from their children for periods of time, They may be doing shift work, travelling a lot or working contracts away from home, even overseas. For some fathers the relationship breakdown has resulted in them moving out of the family home and sometimes even living in a different town.

Children still need a positive, supportive and loving relationship with both of the parents.

If dads live away or are separated from children a lot, you will need to work hard at providing them with the love and support that they need. Avoid regrets which can come later in life if you simply drift apart.

Even when the children are not with you, you can still keep in contact in all sorts of ways –

1. Talk to them regularly by phone

2. Send them postcards and letters addressed to them

3. Send them photos of you wherever you are

4. Send a little gift or other surprise

5. Ask for photos of them

A study in both US & NZ shows a very strong link that teenage girls in these countries engage in sexual activity and also get pregnant without a father present.

Studies from psychologist Bruce J. Ellis of the University of Canterbury in New Zealand and his coworkers in the May/June Child Development state "These findings may support social policies that encourage fathers to form and remain in families with their children, unless the marriage is highly [conflicted] or violent,"

Prior studies have shown early sexual activity and teenage pregnancy among girls who grow up from infancy without a father. However, scientists have generally assumed that precocious sexuality results from a mix of adverse influences, including a father's absence, divorce, poverty, and the lack of parental guidance.

I didn't have a father growing up. I don't say that with grief or sorrow, because it was probably best for many reasons. Still, as a new father, I wonder how I go about this thing called fathering, when I have never experienced it or seen it done.

I did have a wonderful maternal grandfather who took up a lot of the slack and was a friend, mentor, coach, and confidant. I guess this is fathering. Or is it grandfathering?

I also take comfort from the fact that I didn't see it done badly. I really am a blank slate, which is why I am here on DIYfather.com and trying to get in touch with other fathers to find out how they are doing it.